I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
