Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
