are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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