Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
