The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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