he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
