wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize