We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
