I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
