your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
