I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
