yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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