But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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