Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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