our cab driver is having phone sex.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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