The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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