My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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