glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
