i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
