Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
