i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
