It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
