Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
