totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
