a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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