You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
