Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
