he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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