Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
