Swine flu. Run for my life!
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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