How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
