I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
