How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
