you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I will be naked everywhere
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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