I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
