batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
