Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
