Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
