My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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