remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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