So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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