That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
