I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
