two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
