This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
