I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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