my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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