Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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