we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
