Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
