Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
