plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
